My Cat Sitting Adventure
Why and how I got myself into this situation is still unclear to me. A lady friend, a quite good looking lady friend, (okay, okay, so I do know why and how I got myself into this situation) asked me to check her two cats while she was out of town for several days. I said, “Sure.” I thought to myself, “How difficult could it be to check on her cats?” Before she left she told me that one of her cats was on medication for dry skin. Yes, dry skin. I thought to myself, “Give me a break!” However I kept my mouth shut because she is a good friend and as I said before, quite a good looking friend. Her one cat was required to take two pills a day and also needed to have Neosporin put on a sore on his skin. “No problem”, I foolishly replied.
First of all, I do not, never did, and probably never will understand women and their fascination with cats. Cats like their independence, they never listen to you and they won’t come to you if you call them. They are lazy, enjoy sleeping all day and staying out all night. If they drank beer and watched sports on television then they would be just like most of the men that these women have dated in their lives. Yet they LOVE their cats. Many single women I know have cats. They never seem to have just one cat, they usually have at least two cats. Why? So the cats will have company when the woman is away. I never did understand why a cat, an animal that is very independent, would need or even want company when its owner is away. I would think that most cats are probably happy when their owner is away. They finally have got the entire place to themselves. However many women I know insist on having a second cat to keep the first cat company. All of these women are single. I also know of one woman who owns seven cats. She is also single. I believe it is because she owns seven cats.
Day One Of My Cat-Sitting Adventure
I arrived at my lady friend’s house at 11 a.m.. and found a note instructing me what to do. “Check food”. The food is A-OK. “Check Water”. Well, the water dish was a little low so I’ll add some water. However the note instructed me to “ONLY GIVE THEM BOTTLED WATER WHICH IS IN THE REFRIGERATOR”! I thought to myself, “Bottled water? The cats only drink bottled water?” When I visit my lady friend and ask for water, she gives me tap water. I may have to re-evaluate my friendship with this lady friend. I filled the cats’ water dish with the aforementioned bottled water. I read the rest of the instructions she had left for me. The note went on saying, “poopy bags are in the flowered green fabric holder hanging off the metal rack beside the litter box.’ Yes, you read me right, she wrote, “poopy bags.” I REALLY have to re-evaluate my friendship with this woman.
Now it is time to give Lucas, the male cat, his medicine. I was instructed to hide the pill inside some veggie cheese. Yes, the cat likes veggie cheese, made from soy. Apparently Lucas is a bottled water drinking, vegetarian cat. I did as instructed and put the pill inside the veggie cheese. The cat not only ate all of the veggie cheese, he also somehow managed to eat around the pill. All of the veggie cheese was gone yet the pill remained. I now must think of a “Plan B.”
I decided to hide the pill in a piece of turkey. What the heck? I could not have any worse luck, could I? Lucas ate the turkey and once again managed to eat around the pill. One thing was certain. Lucas is not a vegetarian. I next attempted to hide the pill in some tuna. Albacore, actually. Again, Lucas ate all of the tuna and left the pill. Another thing was certain. Lucas likes to eat.
I then remembered my lady friend saying that I could hide the pill inside a cat snack treat. Aha! The old hiding the pill in a cat snack treat routine. I proceeded to find the cat treats. There were “Grilled Yellow fin Tuna Flavored Treats” and “Shrimp and Crab Medley Flavored Treats” and “Oven Roasted Breast of Chicken Flavored Treats” and “Hearty Beef Flavored Treats” and “Salmon Flavored Treats.” These cats eat better than most people. I decided to first try the ‘Whiskas Temptations Salmon Flavored Treats.’ Why? Because on the package it read, “What Cats Want”. That was good enough for me. Unfortunately it was not what this cat wanted. I put the pill in each of the treats and Lucas would not go near any of them. One more thing was certain. Lucas was full. I now must wait until he gets hungry again. I had not thought that this would be an all day event.
While waiting for Lucas to get hungry again I thought I would make an attempt to put the Neosporin on his sore. This went better than expected. I accomplished this task in a mere 45 minutes and I successfully managed not to bleed on any of my friend’s furniture as I ran to the bathroom to cleanse my multiple scratch wounds. Although Lucas may not hold a high regard for Neosporin, I have a new found appreciation for it.
Afterwards I noticed Lucas licking the Neosporin off of his sore. My first thought was, “Well, that was a complete waste of time and blood!” Then I got an idea. I’ll put some Neosporin on his pill. He seems to like the taste of Neosporin. And you know what? IT DID NOT WORK EITHER! So much for shouting with glee and becoming rich off of my idea for a “Neosporin Flavored Cat Treat”.
I looked at my watch. It was almost 2 o’clock. This unsuccessful ordeal had taken almost 3 hours! And I am supposed to do this twice a day for the next four days. Yet one more thing was certain. I must come up with a “PLAN C”.
Knowing that I had made a valid attempt made it easier to implement “Plan C”. Because of “Plan C”, day two, three, and four of my cat-sitting adventure went smoothly. My lady friend arrived home late on day four, none the wiser, thanking me again and again for looking after her beloved cats. What was “Plan C”? Well, “Plan C” was a simple plan. I figured that since Lucas was required to take 2 pills a day for 4 days then that would equate to 8 pills. (Thank God for calculators!) I took 8 pills out of the bottle and threw them in the garbage. I used the Neosporin on my own wounds thus making it look like I used it on Lucas. I did not bother going over to her house to check on the cats at ALL on day 2 or 3. I went over just on day 4 to change the water and litter box in order to make it appear like I did everything she wanted me to do. You may be asking yourselves, “Doesn’t he feel any sense of guilt for his deceitful ways?” The answer is, “No!”. Well, maybe someday I will, after my wounds heal and the scars fade away. I did not want to implement “Plan C” but I had no other choice. I could not afford to waste several hours of my valuable time along with losing a pint of blood each day. Not when there are “Friends” returns to watch on television. Besides, that will teach her to give me tap water!
我的猫保姆经历
到现在我还是不明白我是为什么以及是怎样卷入这件事情的。一个女性朋友、一个长得很好看的女性朋友，（好啦！好啦！不要再嘲笑我啦！我现在知道自己是怎样卷进来的啦！）问我能不能在她不在的时候帮她照看一下她的两只猫。我说：“当然可以。” 我想，“帮她看看猫有什么难的呢？”她走之前对我说有只猫因为皮肤干燥问题在进行涂药治疗。没错，她是说干燥皮肤，我当时想，“饶了我吧!”但是我没说什么，因为她我的朋友，而且我也说过，她长得很漂亮。其中一只猫每天要吃两个药片，并且要给它涂抗生素软膏以止痛。“没问题!”我自作聪明地答应下来。
首先，我从来不明白，也可能永远也无法理解女人，以及女人对她们猫的迷恋。因为猫是喜欢独立的，它们从不听主人的话，主人叫它时它也不会应声跑过来。它们天性懒惰，喜欢成天睡觉，整晚呆在外面。如果它们也喝啤酒、看电视体育赛事，那它们就跟这些女士们一生中所约会的大多数男人没什么两样了。但她们还是喜欢她们的猫。我所认识的许多单身女性都养猫。而且看起来她们从不只养一只猫，她们至少有两只或两只以上。为什么？因为在她们外出时猫才有伴! 我从来都无法理解，为什么一只猫，一个惯于独立的动物，会在它主人不在的时候需要或喜欢一个伴呢？我认为大多数的猫在它们的主人不在时可能都挺高兴。它们终于可以享受所有地方了。但是我认识的许多女士坚持要再养一只猫来给另一只猫作伴。所有这些女士都是单身。我还认识一个养了七只猫的女士，她也单身，我认为她单身正是由于她养了七只猫的缘故。
第一天做猫保姆的经历
我在上午11点时到了我的那位女性朋友家，看到了她留给我的一张纸条，上面写着我该怎么做。“检查食物。”食物没有问题；“检查水”，嗯，水少了点，我得加点水。但是纸条上叫我只能给“放在冰箱里的罐装水”。我想：“罐装水？猫只喝罐装水？” 我到她家向她要水喝时，她只给我自来水喝。看来我得重新考虑一下我与这位朋友的关系。我用上面提到的水加满了猫的水碟。我看了看她给我说明的其他注意事项。上面写着：“猫粪袋放在有花饰的绿色布袋里，绿色布袋挂在垃圾箱旁的铁钩子上。”是的，你也看清楚了，她写的是“猫粪袋”，我真得再衡量一下我与她的友谊了！
现在到了给那只叫卢卡斯的公猫吃药的时候了。她提醒我将药片藏在素食干酪里面。是的，猫喜欢吃由大豆做的素食干酪。看来卢卡斯是只只喝罐装水、只吃素食干酪的猫。我照章办事，将药片混在素食干酪里面。那猫很快吃光了所有的干酪，它还很有技巧地绕着药片吃。结果所有的干酪都吃光了，药片却还在。看来我必须想出另一个B计划出来。
我决定将药片藏在火鸡肉里面。也不知道是怎么回事，我就是那么倒霉！卢卡斯还是绕着药片吃完了所有的火鸡肉。这只说明了一件事――卢卡斯根本不是个素食主义者。接着我又将药片藏在金枪鱼里，其实是青花鱼。卢卡斯再次吃光了所有的鱼而留下了药片。这说明了另一件事――卢卡斯很贪吃。
这时我想起我的朋友曾经说过可以将药片藏在猫的零食里面，哈哈！又是捉迷藏的老一套！我于是去翻找那些猫零食，果然是五花八门，有烤黄鳍金枪鱼点心、小虾蟹肉味点心、炉烤鸡胸味点心、牛肉味点心和鲑鱼味点心。这些猫比大多数的人吃得还好。我决定先试试“好吃放不下”的鲑鱼味点心。为什么？因为包装上写着“猫真正喜欢的”。那对我来说这就够了。但不幸的是它并不是这里的猫真正喜欢的。我把药片放在每一个点心里，但卢卡斯却碰也没碰它们一下。这又说明了一件事――卢卡斯已经吃饱了！我现在只能等到它想再吃东西的时候再说了。我根本没想到照看猫要花掉我整整一天的时间。
在等着卢卡斯感到饥饿以前，我想我可以试着给它涂些抗生素软膏。这比我想象的容易多啦！我只用了不到45分钟就完成了，卢卡斯也没忘记在我身上留下多处的抓痕，我为此不得不急匆匆地冲向卫生间冲洗伤口，并不让伤口的鲜血掉在我朋友的家具上。尽管卢卡斯不怎么爱用抗生素软膏，我却觉得它很管用。
不久我就发现卢卡斯把涂在它身上的抗生素软膏一点点地舔了下来。我的第一反应就是：“啊？我的时间和鲜血算是全白费了！” 突然我想到了一个新主意，那就是把一些抗生素软膏涂在药片上，看起来它有点喜欢抗生素软膏的味道。结果怎么样呢？还是没戏！枉我一片苦心才想出这个“抗生素软膏味猫点心”，开始时我还开心得大喊大叫，我真是受够了！
我看了看表，已近下午2点。这个失败的试验居然耗掉我3个小时！而这些事情在接下来的4天里我却要每天重复两次。看来我必须制订出一个“C计划”出来不可了！
有了第一次的实践经验实施“C计划”就容易多了。由于“C计划”的缘故，我第二、第三和第四天照看猫的工作进行得非常顺利。我朋友在第四天很晚时才回来，不用说，一遍又一遍地感谢我对她的心爱的猫的照顾。我的“C计划”到底是怎么回事呢？唔，“C计划”其实很简单。卢卡斯每天吃两片药，连吃四天那一共是8片。（感谢上帝！计算器帮了我很大的忙！）我从瓶子里拿出了8片药片并把它们扔进了垃圾箱里，我还把抗生素软膏涂在自己被抓伤的手上，这样看起来就好像用在了卢卡斯身上一样。第二天和第三天我根本就没去她家看她的那些猫，我只是第四天去查了查水和那小碟子，这样看起来就好象我每天都按她的吩咐做了的样子。你可能会问：“他难道不为自己的欺骗行为感到愧疚吗？”答案是：“不！”嗯，或许某天我会觉得愧疚，那要等到我的伤痊愈及疤痕消除后。我本不想执行所谓的“C计划”，但实在没有办法。我不能每天浪费好几个小时的宝贵时间，并且每天流下那么些血。起码在电视还在播放《六人行》的时候是不行的。另外，这也算是她让我喝自来水的报应！
（文章来源：疯狂英语）
